I have an announcement
by Karen Jephson
Summary: Giles has come to a decision. Now he must tell the others. Set between S5&6


"I have an announcement to make." As expected, they all stopped and stared. What was not expected was the look in their eyes. Hope, expectant pitiful hope. After all these weeks do they still expect me to find an answer? To bring her back? If I'd had the power for such a miracle wouldn't I have used it immediately after her death? Better yet, before she sacrificed herself for us? Wouldn't I have spared myself this semi-existance, drifting between unbelievable agony and the inability to feel anything at all?  
  
Only Willow didn't expect the impossible. But then, she probably knew what was coming. Had done since that day. After all, wasn't she my confidant the last time I made this decision? Oh God, the look in their eyes. How can I tell them my decision when they expect so much of me? How can I let them down again?  
  
In the end, it is Xander who decides for me. "Come on Giles, don't keep us hanging. You don't just say 'I have a big announcement' and then leave us all hanging while you gather that wool that's been hanging around your brain recently."  
  
"At least he has an announcement." A look passes between Anya and Xander. Something is going on with the two of them. I hope they decide to tell me what the problem is before it's too late.  
  
I look at them all, these dear ones of mine. My family, my only real family. Yet, without her in the centre of it all, it isn't enough. Instead of offering me comfort, they are destroying me. Especially Dawn. So much of her is Buffy. The turn of her head, the way she talks. This similarity has become more pronounced since recent events, whether because Dawn is deliberately emulating her sister or because I search for any sign of my Slayer I'm not sure. I just know that instead of giving me a focus to overcome my grief she enhances it. I fear that if I stay I will end up hating her. My love for her and her sister won't allow me to tread that path.  
  
Finally I look toward Willow as she works on that monstrosity. I almost miss the slight nod of her head as a pair of eyes open. Buffy's gray eyes staring straight at me, yet without that spark that was uniquely hers. It had been my idea to reactivate the buffybot, to perpetuate the myth of the Slayer. Yet now, looking into those empty eyes, I realise the torture I have lain myself open for. And it is this, as much as Willow's assent, that decides me. "I have decided to return home."  
  
Silence as my pronouncement sinks in. Only Anya, sweet, naive Anya, misunderstands me. "Well, I suppose it is late. And we have to start the inventory tomorrow."  
  
"He isn't talking about his apartment." I've never heard Xander sound so bitter, so quietly angry before. A couple of years ago he would have been shouting at the top of his voice by now. "He's talking about the mother country aren't you Giles? Old blighty? Land of tea and soccer hooligans."  
  
"That's hope and glory builder boy. And what's wrong with a bit o' hooliganism. Warms the blood up on those cold nights." I'd almost forgotten Spike was there. I still hadn't worked out his reason for staying, other than his almost psychotic feelings for Dawn. I was aware of the guilt that drove him, after all hadn't I been living with those same feelings? But I could tell by the look in his eyes there was a genuine love for the girl. "Actually I've been wondering why you're still hanging around now your 'purpose' is no longer 'ere."  
  
"Actually, I was just wondering the same thing about you." There, that shut him up for a while. One way to keep Spike silent was to press him on his feelings and his reasons for becoming one of the 'good guys'.  
  
"No! You can't go!" Willow had told me about Anya's breakdown at Joyce's death. I hadn't really understood the depth of her emotions until this moment. "It's not fair! Things keep changing! And we haven't settled anything! And what about the shop? You just want to take my job away from me!"  
  
"Anya! It isn't just about your job!" Now the Xander of old, not wanting to be outshouted.  
  
"I'm sure Giles..." Poor Tara. How did she settle into the peacemaker role of the group? Not that it helped. They ignored her as usual.  
  
"But we need the money! Especially now..." Again that look. I wish I knew what those two were up to. Anya calmed down, but she was obviously still upset. "I hate being human. We just get settled then somebody else dies or abandons us."  
  
"I'm not..."  
  
"You're leaving aren't you? You're leaving us, and this business that I've made very successful for you. Why?"  
  
"Yeah Giles. Why?" And so Xander switched sides again, teaming up with his strongest ally. I look at them all, seeing the same expressions of betrayal. Even Willow, whom I'd hoped to receive at least some understanding from looked at me expectantly.  
  
Finally I looked towards Dawn. She'd been so quiet through it all. I hoped she didn't think I was abandoning her too. "It's it me, isn't it? You can't stand to be near me because I lived and Buffy...."  
  
"No." I leant forward, holding my hand out toward her. She hesitated before taking it, allowing me to pull her nearer. "I could never resent you for living, for Buffy's choice." Never mind that we both knew it was only a half-truth. "It isn't because of you, because of any of you. And yet," ah my inate honesty. But they didn't deserve any less, "it's because of all of you." I'd confused them. Again. "I'm not abandoning you. Nor am I leaving you as you need me." I held my spare hand up as they opened their mouths to disagree. "I'm not saying you don't love me or want me. But you don't need me, not really."  
  
"How can you say that?" The hurt in Willow's voice was obvious. "Of course we need you. You're the one we leaned on, a-at the beginning, and we still do now."  
  
I did not doubt my grin showed the affection I felt for her. "In the beginning, yes. To organise things, make some decisions. But not now. You don't need me. You have each other."  
  
"That doesn't stop us from needing you Giles." At least some of Xander's anger had abated.  
  
"Doesn't it? You have Anya, Willow has Tara."  
  
"And what about me?" Dawn thought she'd come up with the perfect argument. My need to be needed by her.  
  
"You have Tara and Willow. You chose them. A-and Spike of course."  
  
"Wondered when you'd remember me."  
  
"You're jealous? Of the fact that we had people to love and who loved us?" When did Willow become so cynical?  
  
"No, not jealous. Envious perhaps." How to say the next part? The hardest part? "But in leaning on each other, needing each other, there was no time left over to let me lean on you, to need you." There, I'd shown them some of the pain of the past few weeks. And I'd hurt them in the process.  
  
"Have we excluded you that much?" Poor Tara, trying to understand my pain, whilst trying to ease Willow's. One of my regrets would be that I hadn't gotten to know her better.  
  
"Not abandoned. Continued on with your lives. And I'm glad for that." I paused, wondering how to make them understand. "My purpose for being here, for living, was Buffy. Now she's gone, and I have to find my new role, another purpose to continue living. That's hard to do when everything here reminds me of her. Especially all of you." I stroked the side of Dawn's face, hoping she'd understand it wasn't a criticism. "You don't need me, and I'm proud of that fact. You aren't children any more. You're adults, and you've grown into wonderful people. I'll miss you, but I won't doubt your ability to continue on."  
  
Anya lifted her hand. "Can I ask about the shop again now?" She rushed on. "Not because of me. Well, not just because of me," Funny how we could all still smile at the silly things, the normal things, "but it's where we meet, and do stuff. And it is a good business. And you can't run it from England."  
  
"I agree." Ah the look on her face, a mixture of 'I told you so' and crestfallen. "That's why I thought of obtaining a partner. Somebody to take care of the day-to-day running of things, whilst maintaining my investment should I return to Sunnydale."  
  
"Do you have somebody in mind." The grin in Xander's voice and on his face showed he knew what I was up to. "Like maybe, some super sales assistant who knows the stock and the clientele."  
  
I pretended to think. "That's an idea. Although she would need to love my money too, and take good care of it. Know anybody like that?"  
  
Anya bounced up and down in excitement. "Me! Me! I can be your partner."  
  
I smiled. "I've already organised for the papers to be drawn up. We'll sign them tomorrow, partner." Her sigh of contentment as she turned to her boyfriend told me I'd appeased at least one of my funny family.  
  
"When will you be going?" The sorrow and defeat was evident in Willow's voice.  
  
I shrugged. "I'm not sure yet. Soon. When I think the time is right. Until then, we have work to do. How are things going with that....?"  
  
"You're gonna hafta call it by her name soon you know." None of us commented on the fact that Dawn couldn't bring herself to do what she'd just instructed me. "If we're going to fool people and stuff."  
  
"What do you mean you're not sure when you're going? You get me all upset because you decide to leave, then excited because I'm going to be a partner, then you tell me you don't know when? Do you enjoy torturing me?"  
  
"Anya!" Xander silently apologised. "Are you sure? I mean, what if it doesn't work out?"  
  
"Then I come back to my other home, and my family. But I have to find out who I am first. When I'm not Buffy's Watcher." And that was all it took. Just those words to finally make them understand. For the first time in five years I was going to do something completely selfish. Something for Rupert Giles the man. I was going to find him. 


End file.
